Hello (Draft)

I am trying to figure out how to say hello

Greetings are important you know

And you make me contemplate just how to greet you

How do you say it in a way
that says I really want
to get to know you?

That says
I see the way you flow
and I'm tryna roll with you?

That says
I see your swagger
and i'm tryna match you

The way you move
makes me want to dig into you

figure you out
I'm tryna see
what you're all about

Who You Are (Untitled) (draft)

What Am I Doing?

You ever stop and just ask yourself that?

What am I doing?
What should I be doing?
Who am I?

I've always had a soft spot for
The misunderstood
The weak
and downtrodden

Little kids
the homeless
those hurting
kids not able to finish their homework

I want to save the world

But I don't want to kiss babies
and hug puppies to do it

I don't want to win a popularity contest

I don't want to lie
to get you on my side

This is not about money

And I am not what I must sound like

A love child

This will not be filled with flower power language because I want you to hear me

I am angry

Angry that we all can see so much suffering and not do a thing

Untitled (A Bus Ride Through The City) (draft)

I sat on a bus today
listening to someone like you
and watching a woman cry

It wasn't heavy tears
or dog-calling sobbing

just a dabbing
under the lid
a reddening of
the eye

And it was beautiful

Untitled (wishing for you/ I could fall in love) (Draft)

It's 1:11 and I just wished for you
Funny thing wishes are
and superstitions

I need to start again

It's 1:11 and I just
wished for you
Knowing you  are most likely
not going to come true

I don't even know who you are
Just that you're somewhere
out there
Lookin up at the same
stars as me

I mean you must be
I would never fall in love with
someone who would think this
time of night is for sleep

Untitled (Soul meetings)

Thoughts of you are like

warm blankets

summer rain

stormy nights after sunny days 

none of these similies are quite right

but words are not quite right 

when I attempt to describe you

How do you put feelings this 

I cannot put them into words 

And this is a first

I have no idea what to do with you

we met 4 weeks ago

and I ignored you 

like the elephant in the room

but that moth/flame cliche was made for us 

This is not love

although I can't say I know what that is either

But its not desperate 

clawing

future projecting

church bell ringing 

wedding finger thrilling

It is not that

but neither is it lust

mouth drooling

skin tingling 

mind emptying lust

Trust

soul thrusts

this is what this feels like

There is some connection 

that  just seems right

one I'm simultaneous trying to fight

and grow

I'm tryna get to know you 

on a shallow level

because your depths

my essence already knows

my soul recognizes

my heart empathizes

shaking its head 

as temptation rises

this time being temporary

but im already drawn in 

by the possibility of something greater than steady

I just hope you're ready

compilation (Parking/It's not You/Waiting)

Parking
I used to read stories of people going on these long drives in the country with their loved ones
Windows down
Wind blowing back their hair
Carrying the words of their random sporadic conversations
Enclosing them in a bubble of laughters and shared dreams

But we were from Big City Chicago
Where gas prices rise like skyscrapers
And There are no winding roads
unless you count the dangerous curves of lower Wacker
and you, my friend, had no taste for unnecessary danger
So instead of driving
We would just park
We would park your car in the lot on the hill overlooking
The train station
the field of steel carrying our colorful dreams and watch them speed away
We would imagine all the places they would take us
Together
One day

Some days it would rain
steady paradiddles on the hood of your own Grease Lightening
keeping time to the acoustic guitiar track softly playing through the speakers
We would
lean our seats all the way back and begin to whisper
voices hushed as if if anyone else heard us our almost silent prayers wouldn't be answered
I would
turn my head
sinking my nose into the leather that always seemed to carry a little bit of you
trying to absorb the very essence of that second and fold it away in my memory
smile as you tried to explain why you put a chord in a certain progression
and only truly hear you saying how happy you were in that moment
dreaming of how happy you would be

Every once in a while we would hear the whistle of the trains we were overlooking
lean up and wonder where it was going
and if one day it would be carrying us with it
Us
Together
One day

It's not you it's me

but maybe that's not what I want it to be
don't get me wrong
it's not you
it's me

I am so close to being free
so caught up in the heady scent of that freedom, that I cannot handle a "together"
I am not prepared
I see the signs and I am not ready to go there
I have the talent to create a beautiful love
But not the discipline
And I have too much pride
to let you in
I am not ready to give in
To be an "us"
a "we"
I still have so much figuring out of "me" to do
I never planned to luck upon finding you

so maybe it is not me
It's you

You are that poem that I always meant to write
my sudden inspiration too intrinsic, too complex, too deeply felt for me to express
You are that picture I always meant to take
the button my finger is hovering over to capture the moment i’m too busy living to press
You are the song that I always meant to sing
beautiful melody haunting my every thought so completely, just the thought of recreating it steals my breath away
You are the words that I always meant to release
wishing the problem was the lack of the right time or place but the only thing I can truly say is that I am not ready for the change that they bring

You possess within you the potential to be one of those life changing great loves
That everyone speaks so highly and fearfully of

It would be selfish of me
to ask you to wait
until I'm ready to build my courage up
to put myself in a position to fearlessly accept your love

Waiting for goodbye

I hate waiting and I suck at goodbyes
And yet somehow
it seems like
I'm always waiting to say good bye to you

Instead of us
Together
one day

It's only me
far away
and you
stuck in the same place
Us
connected by 3 random and sporadic 3 word text messages
"I miss you"
"Are you okay?"
and "it's been too long"

Face to face visits
confined to hour long dinners
any time that I come home
our time together is so rushed
at least not compared to how it used to be

I hate waiting and I suck at goodbyes
I can read it in your hazel eyes
You are patiently waiting to say goodbye to me

I hate saying those words to you

For most people
my life is a tunnel in theirs
They may stop and stare
at the beautiful street murals painted on the walls
try and make out the graffitti sprayed along the edges
but
for every entrance
there is an exit
and no beautiful painting can be deceptive
enough to hide the broken glass
and discarded bags of trash at their feet
so i've learned not to cling

Since you walked in
I've been waiting for you to leave

But you are still here
Even when we are physically apart
With every call
with every text
you wrap your prescence around me
like a blanket on a chilly morning
like laughter that brings you to tears
like the air in your car parked in the rain on a lazy saturday
you give me reason to come home year after year

You are always the first person I see
And I am still waiting for you to leave

Yet you are still here
And no longer are we
just parking cars above train stations
but spending hours over hot chocolate in the square
We are fighting over who gets which color nitendo 64 controller
And we are spontaneously seeing movies together, but only the matinees
because they are in the middle of the day
and they help me shut out the world
You say they help you forget about your troubles too

But I am still waiting to miss you
Randomly
Whenever we are vibing so strongly
That I cannot shake the connect I feel when looking into your hazel eyes
I am conscious of myself shelving up this memory
for the time after goodbye

Everytime I feel the leather of your car on my skin
I still find myself trying to take your essence stored there into myself
Take in enough to remember you by
And I am still waiting for you to say goodbye

You are always the last person I see
before I leave
You drive me to the station
I sit in that same leather seat
That holds your essence but must also, by this time, hold some of me
And we wait as the time for me to board draws near

We never have enough time

I hate waiting and I hate goodbyes
But I can read in your hazel eyes
As I grip the handle and the bag on my shoulder
That you are waiting for me to say

The words I hate saying to you
because I am waiting for you to say the same to me
In a way that means you've realized this friendship is unhealthy
That you are unhappy
That you're ready to walk through the tunnel
And find a place where you can be
You're tired of waiting to see what this could be,
Now it's your turn to leave
You've waited long enough to say goodbye to me
You've had enough of saying goodbye to me

It's Not You, It's Me... (a re-working of You Are)

it's not you
it's me

I am so close to being free
so caught up in the heady scent of that freedom, that I cannot handle a "together"
I am not prepared
I see the signs and I am not ready to go there
I have the talent to create a beautiful love
But not the discipline
And I have too much pride
to let you in
I am not ready to give in
To be an "us"
a "we"
I still have so much figuring out of "me" to do
I never planned to luck upon finding you

so maybe it is not me
It's you

You are that poem that I always meant to write
my sudden inspiration too intrinsic, too complex, too deeply felt for me to express
You are that picture I always meant to take
the button my finger is hovering over to capture the moment i’m too busy living to press
You are the song that I always meant to sing
beautiful melody haunting my every thought so completely, just the thought of recreating it steals my breath away
You are the words that I always meant to release
wishing the problem was the lack of the right time or place but the only thing I can truly say is that I am not ready for the change that they bring

You possess within you the potential to be one of those life changing great loves
That everyone speaks so highly and fearfully of

It would be selfish of me
to ask you to wait
until I'm ready to build my courage up
to put myself in a position to fearlessly accept your love

Waiting for Goodbyes (a companion poem to Parking)

I hate waiting and I suck at goodbyes
And yet somehow
it seems like
I'm always waiting to say good bye to you

Instead of us
Together
one day

It's only me
far away
and you
stuck in the same place
Us
connected by 3 random and sporadic 3 word text messages
"I miss you"
"Are you okay?"
and "it's been too long"

Face to face visits
confined to hour long dinners
any time that I come home
our time together is so rushed
at least not compared to how it used to be

I hate waiting and I suck at goodbyes
I can read it in your hazel eyes
You are patiently waiting to say goodbye to me

I hate saying those words to you

You Are (a work in progress)

You are that poem that I always meant to write
my sudden inspiration too intrinsic, too complex, too deeply felt for me to express
You are that picture I always meant to take
the button my finger is hovering over to capture the moment i’m too busy living to press
You are the song that I always meant to sing
beautiful melody haunting my every thought so completely, just the thought of recreating it steals my breath away
You are the words that I always meant to release
wishing the problem was the lack of the right time or place but the only thing I can truly say is that I’ve been afraid of change

Lover's Prayer

His hands in mine are warm to touch
When he hugs me I feel comforted and Loved
His arms around my waist make me feel secure
His cheek pressed to mine is what I wake for
His voice in my ear as his whispers me a song
And promises me in his life I'll always belong
His kisses leave me satisfied
I never wanna leave his side
His is my one and only guy
Another for me I shall not find

Violence As the Answer

A scream
A bump
Blood flying
Like water from a flung hose

I am NOT a violent person

When I was younger
Me and her used to always
fight each other
Til they beat us both
And we learned to fight together

Gone Away

Lately it seems
Like it's the season
of Graves
Death paid us a visit
And decided to extend her stay
That black dress
Is in the front of the closet
Instead of the back
Everyone's worried
Over who's going to be next

Living

who's living for living's sake?
Not me
I'm living for change
for a better place
I'm living for experience
for the gain from pain
for learning from strife
i'm living b/c why live dead just to die
I'm living for joy
for forever moments
for standstill time
i'm for the moments that clouds move
and dreams rise
I'm living for every tear
They have to be replaced
With times of joy
To great to be erased
I'm living for those
who don't have to courage to do it themselves
I living for them b/c
I don't have the strength enough to live just for myself

I Wish

Sometimes I wish I could write like the greats
That I could spit mad metaphors
and slick similes
And have the crowd be feeling me
That I could make some statement
with a foundation rocking political basis
that i could comment on social injustice
make people think and take notice
change someone's perspective on life
give them a reason to fight the strife

Body Imagery

"Baby I think your beautiful
I just want you to see your beauty too
Its such a turn off when beautiful girls call themselves ugly"
But before you speak on my fucked up body imagery
Let me tell you what's a turn off to me

Oh So Pretty

Sometimes it hurts
Just to look down and see an empty plate
And realize all of that disgustingness she just ate
The overwhelming turning of her stomach
Heart racing
Head pounding
Plagued by just the thought of not being able to zip up those size 2 jeans
Of being demeaned
By a scale that just wont go down
She knows she had to lose that pound
But that needle didn’t move
Food
It’s always been an issue
And She feels physically sick
At the temporary bliss
she just experienced
And yet they call her sticks
Don’t they know she’s not skinny enough yet
Pictures of models crowd her mirror
As her own reflection screams that you will never be one of them
Milky skin
And long haired
Blue, green, hazel eyes
curvy hips and slim thighs
What she has will never fly
But she can try
Leaning over that bowl
Pulling out all of the impurities
This must be the way to get skinny
She can buy her hair if it won’t grow
And her can fix she nose if she says so
And she can buy all the make up that Mac can make
But dammit she can’t fix her weight
But she will do whatever it takes
To feel pretty
oh so pretty
to be able to say that she pities
Any girl who isn’t her tonight

Stages of You and Me (re-worked)

Stages of You and Me 2

Stage 1: The Fall

There's a reason they call it a fall
not a walk
not a crawl
its a full force
head on
lunge into the great abyss
scarier still
b/c you weren't expecting it
it's a trip
has u spinning around
wondering what you missed
how you missed
the entrance into this place of bliss
time moving at such a speed
you can't pinpoint it
your head beckons the question
what is this
your heart knowing
its never felt like this
but intuitively it knows
it can never feel like this
without this one person's presence
because in truth
every love is different
that's why you can fall
w/o even recognizing your doing it

I bet you think this is about you

This isn't a bitter poem
It's an apology
I saw what I thought was a spark
and started writing poetry
because how could a guy like you
be feeling a girl like me
yes that deserved some poetry
and every once in a while when you did something right
I needed to point it out for the whole world to see
see
"he really does care about me"
And when you did wrong
well I
I just wrote more poetry

Where'd You Go....

“Where’d you go?…”

Remember when
We were too young to be remembering
To young to be regretting?

And we lived reckless
Because our biggest consequence
Was getting a woopin
On the porch steps
And we knew that pain wouldn’t last

Parking

I used to read stories of people going on these long drives in the country with their loved ones
Windows down
Wind blowing back their hair
Carrying the words of their random sporadic conversations
Enclosing them in a bubble of laughters and shared dreams

The Signs of Love

(A work in progress)
The first dude I ever called myself catching feelings for couldn't even properly speak my name
He was born deaf
And me born into a family of musicians
Our concepts of Love could never be the same

I was taught to hear, to listen
to recognize beauty by closing my eyes and letting my ears hear the difference
cues of tone
grace in pace and rhythm
Voice was one of the most beautiful gifts God had given

I Just Might Regret This...

I just might regret this...
This dance with you
This falling too soon
This loving too hard
This night of staring at the star-like twinkles in your eyes
In your smile,
and wishing on every one of them
For you
For you to see me the way I see you

Love Deprived

What is a first love to the loved deprived?
The one you loved enough to lay all that baggage aside?
Or the one to pick it up, toss it over their shoulder, and keep walking in stride?
I'm not sure I know...
But my first love, he filled my soul
Because I didn't know I could love someone
Who wasn't blood
In that twisted compulsory way
Or who wasn't God,
In a "you have done so much for me and I can never repay you" way
No
This boy had done absolutely nothing for me
Except